While Looking For My Person, I Found My People
Hi again. I took a nice long break from my blog to give some creative space to the books I’m working on, but I have missed this space. I’ve missed writing to you here. I’ve had quite the few months since I last wrote. Emotional ups and downs. An awful revelation from the man I was dating (Jeff Stacer) that resulted in a HUFF POST article. And I’ve been trying to move on from that.
I’m realizing how deeply that experience has changed me.
I met a nice man recently for brunch. Over egg scrambles and biscuits we talked about foraging wild mushrooms, things we want to do with our lives and past heartbreaks. He read the article I’d written so he knew what I’ve been through. And he asked a lovely question: “How are you doing with all that? Are you free from it or still connected to him?”
It was an interesting question, and I appreciated the thoughtfulness and sensitivity in his asking. “I am emotionally free from it. The emotional connection I had to that man was actually for someone who didn’t exist. But I think that experience is going to affect me for years. I’m fearful, you know? I’m really afraid because I still want to be vulnerable and open, but how can I trust anyone? How do I stay safe?”
He mentioned that his past relationships have hardened him somewhat and that can be scary to new people.
I thought how some relationships stay with us. It’s like a bit of scar tissue forms in our souls that we carry with us. And that scar tissue can affect our ability to move forward, our very mobility, because the moving on hurts. But maybe with time, we can find ways to work with it. It’s like that bit of wounding stays with us, but it doesn't stop us. It’s just part of our fabric of being.
I liked talking to this man, and maybe that is progress enough.
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Recently I visited my dear friend Kim in Denver. We’ve been friends for nearly 30 years, since being roommates in college. She scheduled all these activities to do together, but based it on what she wanted to share with me, but also what she knew I’d love. We saw the Denver botanical gardens, ate at quirky local restaurants, explored Chanaqua, went to an interactive art exhibit Meow Wolf. And every day, she scheduled in time so I could take a nap.
It was sweet and funny, that nap time, but the whole trip felt like a love letter written just for me. My friend knows me so well, that she knew I’d need time each day to rest and decompress.
On one of our nights out, I mentioned that there have been all these things I’ve wanted to do with my life, but I’ve been waiting for a partner, and I’m getting sad and tired of waiting. “What do you want to do?” she asked me.
“Like, you know, travel. I can do little trips on my own but there are places I want to go and it would just be more fun with someone else.”
“Like what? Where?”
I mentioned I’d like to go to Scotland, Italy, how I want to do a car trip up the coast of California and go to wineries. I’d like to rent a cabin in Tennessee or North Carolina. Hire a forager in Oregon and go hiking and look for mushrooms.
She looked at me and smiled and said “I’ll go with you. Let’s plan it!”
And that’s when the big epiphany hit me.
I don’t have to wait for a partner. Not for anything.
All this time, I’ve been searching for my person, when if I’d really looked around, I’d have noticed I was surrounded and supported by my people.
I talk to my friend A. every day. We laugh, we complain, we set goals. I have dinner with my friend John and he makes me laugh. I meet weekly via zoom with my friend Shoshonaa to talk about what we’re writing. When I’ve traveled solo, I’ve been met in every city by narrators who have opened their arms to me, showed me around, spent time with me, introduced me to friends and family. If I’m in trouble, I have friends who I can call who will be there for me. If I want to fly to New York and see a Broadway show, I could ask any number of people to join me and it doesn’t have to be someone I’m dating.
Of course, I still want a companion to spend time with, be intimate with, explore life with…but that person doesn’t have to fill ALL my needs.
Most of my needs are being met right now. And in turn, I’m trying to fill the needs my friends have of companionship, laughter, fun adventures, and sharing desserts not as the final part of the meal, but before the meal even starts.
Life is hard. Sometimes it’s truly painful. But we don’t walk it alone. And if I’ve learned anything over these last two years, is that all the time I felt alone, there was this community of support around me just waiting for me to take notice.
Kim and I are planning a trip to California to visit wineries next year. A. and I are going to Chicago. And I’m hoping to do some hikes and foraging with some other friends.
This is not a lonely life. This is a rich life. And the heartache I felt because of one cruel person hasn’t hurt me forever. There’s a little part of me that is wounded from that, but I have no doubt this is a scar that's going to fade. Soon.
The love of my life isn’t one person. The love of my life is my community.
And I’m so very grateful.
Maybe you’ve experienced this too. Maybe you’ve felt really alone and didn’t realize there was a whole community around you, lifting you up. They’re there…like mushrooms in the woods, just waiting for your eyes to adjust so you can see them.
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TANYA EBY is a writer and audiobook narrator. She lives in Michgan with her wonderful kids and pups. She is looking for an agent to represent her two new books.